The lesson at church this morning made me face the fact that I have a hard time being content. I do not consider myself contentious, though, either. Is there such a thing as being middle of the road? I'm not sure. My husband is much better at being content than I. The events of this past year have proven that.
At one time, I considered myself pretty flexible when it came to change. Until, that is, God decided to change every major thing in my life save finances & health. Within six months, our lives changed drastically: my one & only son moved out of the house; we sold our house & farm land [livelihood & dreams]; we left our jobs; we left our church; we moved 1/2 way across the country [1200 miles]. My entire life was new again. At one time, new things meant excitement. New things meant energy and invigoration. At one time.
Those six months were nothing compared to the nine months that followed. I hated everything around me. Each time I looked outside, I cried. What was I supposed to do with myself? I wasn't working anymore. I only knew four neighbors and they were my only friends. I didn't have a church home. My business had to be built from scratch. My son had his own place now. What was I supposed to be doing now? And once I figured that out, where would I find the energy to get it done?
I was continuing to study His Word, but it became a duty rather than a privilege. Needless to say, I wasn't really learning or hearing His still small voice. The barrier around my heart was becoming thicker and thicker. My husband was so patient with me. However, he would also prod me along when need be.
Then one day it dawned on me that God must be so disappointed with me. He has placed me in a new world with new surroundings for a new purpose. And that purpose was His idea - not mine. I was having a hard enough time remembering why I agreed to come here in the first place.
But can you see my problem? I was using so much energy looking at the past that I didn't have enough left to see the future...His future...His future that He is allowing me to be part of...His purpose that I have a role in...His plan that I get to enjoy.
It's always His. Everything is His. Do I remember that? Not always. However, I am so grateful there is a larger force than myself. Life is too overwhelming without Him.
"I can do [endure] all things through [in] Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13